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A SPECIAL KIND OF PAIN
Saturday May 30 Dear Coach How you doing? I bet you never thought youd hear from me and Deke in the middle of the summer but here we are. Ms. Goby said if I kept a journal while I was away at basketball camp I wouldnt have to go to Group where I dont know nobody. Ms. Goby said I should do it like I was writing a letter to myself, but that dont make no kind of sense to me. Im gonna write to you instead. You can even write back if you want. You was right Coach. It didnt take us long to get up here. I went over to Dekes place around 9. His moms was yelling at Uncle Mike and Nikki didnt have no drawers on. Deke had all his gear ready at the door. 3 weeks a long time but I dont think we gonna have to worry about getting homesick. Uncle Mike coached Deke the whole ride up. He told Deke to listen to the coaches and do good in the tournament because a lot of colleges send scouts. Uncle Mike said this gonna be Dekes best chance to lock up a scholarship. All Uncle Mike said to me was stay out of trouble and wear a condom. I dont know about Deke but by the time we got to Flagstaff I was real nervous. My hand hurts so Im gonna stop now. #11 Bobby Jones PS Thanks for the shoes. Mr. Anderson tried to pretend like they was from him but I know it was you. I wont tell. I played in them last night and they was awesome.
* Sunday May 31 Dear Coach It sure is different up here. They got a lot more clouds than Phoenix. Its cooler too. Sometimes it gets too cold and I dont have no jacket. They got me and Deke in the dorms where the college students stay. I aint never seen so many ballers before Coach. Five hundred dont seem like a lot of people but when you put them all in one place it feel like millions and millions. It was like the first day of high school all over again. I could tell Deke was glad we was gonna be roommates. He said us dogs got to stick together. I couldnt sleep last night. I was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and I heard a howling noise coming in the window. It was like when I was in that hospital in Mesa and that old white dude stuck a fork in the socket and I sat up in bed with my neck hairs standing straight up. I woke Deke to see if he could hear it too. Deke told me to shut the fuck up its just a train. Can you imagine that? Being scared of a train? I better go to bed now Coach. Tomorrow we start balling for real. #11 Bobby Jones
* Monday June 1 Dear Coach Today everybody talking about Cal Coogan. They say Cal the best basketball player in the country. He a big boy Coach. Bigger than Deke. Looks meaner too. He shaves his head and he got arms as big as Mr. Herlihys. He always wears two hoodies no matter how hot it gets. He runs everywhere he goes. They say all he eat is fish and oranges. Sometimes he even eats the peel. They say he crazy but he dont look no crazier than the rest of these busters. They ran us into the ground today Coach. Some kids never ran that much before. It was bad but nothing like the hurt you used to put on us. Some of them didnt even make it to bathroom. I seen them puking in the spit boxes. Tryouts over tomorrow. They gonna split us up into leagues. The top 10% go in the C League and everybody else go to a B Team or a A Team. The A Teams for beginners. Deke already talking bop about balling in the C League. I dont know about that. I seen lots of ballers just as good as Deke but dont tell him I said that. They probably gonna put me with the rest of the knuckleheads. Thats just fine with me. Good night Coach. Say Good night to Kinney and Mr. Herlihy and all them. Tell them #11 says hello. Bobby Jones
* Tuesday June 2 Dear Coach Deke didnt make the C League Coach. The funny thing is they put me and Deke on the same team. I told Deke be glad they dont stick us with them A Teamers but you know how Deke gets. That boy got no sense of humor. We barely settled in and everybody already talking about the tournament and the college scouts and the NCAA. You should hear them Coach. Everybody gonna be a star. Tomorrow we meet our new coach. I wish Deke would cool it. Sometimes he act like I wouldnt even be here if it wasnt for him. He makes me mad sometimes but I guess he wouldnt act that way if he knew different. Good night Coach. Hope I get a letter from you soon. # 11
* Wed. June 3 Coach I got up early and went down the gym to do my drills before practice. I been reading that book you gave me last Christmas and I changed up all my drills. Some of them was getting too easy. There was a girl in there watching me run. She made me kind of nervous because I dont know them new ones too good. When I got done I saw Cal in the weight room fronting on Deke. I popped in there before they got into it. Deke backed down. I was mad because I didnt want to see no punk show Deke up like that but I was relieved too. I tried to talk to him but Deke wouldnt look at me. Thats when I knew Deke was gonna put the creep on Cal. Didnt matter though. Cal knew what Deke was up to and he knocked him down. He stood over Deke and screamed like his feet was on fire. Seemed like he had the whole weight room screaming with him. I got us out of there pretty quick. I think Deke gonna have a black eye. I told Deke it was Gods way of testing him. He said he passed enough tests already. I guess he got a point there. #11
* Thursday June 4 Dear Coach I got your letter today. I appreciate what you said about keeping my head down and my eyes open and playing some good basketball because thats just what Im gonna do. As for that other thing you know how I feel. I knew Ms. Goby would try to make me go see somebody while I was up here but I aint gonna. I dont see why she think being up here gonna change what we said down there. You just tell her Im writing to you and I aint missed a day. Could you do me a favor Coach? I forgot to tell Carlos I was coming up here and he supposed to take me to Saturday Group. Would you tell him not to come get me? Ms. Goby got his phone number. I got to keep this short because their taking us to the movies. #11
* Friday June 5 Dear Coach I had fun at the movies last night. We saw Rebound. Coach Jerry took us. He a white dude with a beard and some big old legs. He dont look like he got game but believe me he can go! He got Dekes number straight away. He called Deke out and told him he didnt look like no all American. They played to 6 by 1s and Coach Jerry showed Deke he could put the ball in the basket anytime he wanted. Coach Jerry said he was gonna go out and get drunk and tell all his friends he whupped an all American. Dekes with the program now. We gonna start scrimmaging next week. I think we got a pretty good squad. Funny thing happened today Coach. I was down at the gym this morning like I do and that girl I was telling you about was there again. She watched me do my drills. At first I thought she was a little old Mexican girl but she a Navaho Indian. She work at the gym. She gonna be in college next year but she dont look like no college girl to me. She asked me if I was in camp and if was I any good? She could shoot the ball some too. Her name is Keisha. We got the afternoons off during the weekend but I dont know what Im gonna do. Probably play basketball. Bobby
* Sunday June 6 Dear Coach Tell Kinney thanks for the cookies and candy bars. Deke ate them all like a damn buster. I just said that because Deke looking over my shoulder! Everybody talking about how Cal didnt come in last night. Some say he in jail. Some say they got him in the hospital over on the other side of town on account of his craziness. Some say he got drunk and run over by a train. I notice Deke dont seem too broken up about it. Yesterday we only practiced til lunchtime. Me and Deke went over to the bowling alley and rolled some balls. Deke got all serious as usual. I got bored and I went back to the gym and did my drills again because I still aint used to them new ones yet. Keisha wasnt there. I wonder if Keisha like to bowl. Bobby
* Monday June 7 Coach Well it look like Deke got his wish. Cal came back to camp in the middle of the night. Deke said he went into town and got drunk and picked a fight with some Indian boys. Somebody said they seen him brung back to camp in cuffs. Cal in a lot of trouble now. They took him out of the C League and swapped him out with Deke. So now Deke up in the C League and Cal stuck with us. The whole camp talking about it. I guess we all glad Cal on our team but its hard to know how to act. One of them trains just went by Coach. I can still hear it. Today we supposed to be scrimmaging but Coach Jerry got us doing drills and drills and more drills. I think he got them out of that book you gave me because I already know most of them by heart. That dont mean I like it though. Some of the other teams are running plays already and we aint even had our first scrimmage. I wonder about Coach Jerry. He act serious but sometimes I think we all just a big joke to him. Keisha was at the gym this morning. She ask me how come I get up so early. I told her I didnt want nobody to know how hard I had to work just to keep up with ballers like Deke. Keisha laughed and said I was the best one. She just saying that to be nice. Keisha real skinny and wears glasses. I tried them on and about got seasick. Keisha laughed. Keisha laughs all the time. Sometimes she makes me laugh too. Bobby
* Tuesday June 8 Coach I got your letter and I hear what you saying but I dont think it could get much worse than this Coach. Cal practiced with us today and he aint too happy about it. He got half the team scared the other half pissed. I dont know which one I am yet. Coach Jerry still wont let us run. All day long we do drills. Triple Threat drills. Shuffle Dribble drills. Scissor drills. Four Point Spider drills. Coach Jerry even got us doing something called Drunken Sailor drills. You ever heard of that one Coach? I think Coach Jerry made it up. He wont even let us shoot the ball. Its embarrassing watching the other teams go at it 5 on 5 while all we do is drills. Everyone think Coach Jerry doing it to punish Cal only Cal act like he likes it. Cal run them drills in his hoodies and a trash bag with holes knocked out for his neck and arms. Coach Jerry act like he think its the funniest thing he ever seen but I notice he didnt challenge Cal to no 1 on 1 like he did Deke. Bobby
* Wed June 9 Coach Even though they still got me and Deke in the same room I dont hardly see him no more. Deke changed Coach. Ever since he got with those busters in the C League he act like he dont know me. Thats all right though. I know what time it is. Ms. Goby says I worry about Deke too much anyway. Ms. Goby says it aint my responsibility if Deke does bad or good. But like you always tell me the point guard is the brains of the offense. If you cant blame the brains who can you blame? All I know is with Deke on his own I aint gotta worry about him doing good for the scouts no more. Maybe we both better off. Today we practiced defense drills all day. Triangle drills, End to End drills, 60 Second Zone Defense drills. Everybody hate it except Cal and all he do is scream and holler and act like a fool in a Hefty Sack. Coach Jerry screams right back. Sometimes I think they both crazy. I ate lunch with Keisha today. We sat on the grass in the middle of campus with people all around. It still felt like we was alone. She real different Coach. She got a real big family. She didnt believe me when I told her I didnt have no moms or pop or brothers or sisters or cousins or nothing. She said that made her sad. I told her about Uncle Mike but he dont really count since he Dekes uncle not mine. Do you think I got an uncle somewhere I aint never met yet? Bobby
* Thursday June 10 Coach I guess it had to happen. Cal cussed out Coach Jerry today. He barked at Coach saying he dont understand why we doing all these drills when the tournament just a week away. Coach Jerry asked him if he thought the camp needed him more than he needed it. Cal said no. Coach Jerry told him to shut the fuck up and do as your told. Everybody know the coaches aint supposed to cuss us out like that but Coach Jerry dont seem to care. After practice some of the others asked me to ask Coach Jerry when he was gonna let us start balling. I went to the locker room and asked asked like they said. He sat down on a bench like I told him something bad. Coach Jerry said he didnt come all the way up here to this cowboy mountain town to watch a bunch a punks play street ball. He said the drills was a part of the struggle. Part of a special kind of pain. Coach Jerry said if we really cared about winning the tournament we would be out there balling on our own. I promised to tell the rest of the team. Then I asked Coach Jerry how come there was so many trains at night. He said he didnt know but he sure did wish the lady he stay with didnt live so damn close to the tracks. At supper I told them all what Coach Jerry said. Thursday chicken filet day. Even on chicken filet day all Cal eat is oranges. Cal told us to get our gear and meet him front of his place in ten minutes. I had to run to make it in time. Cal came out all hoodied up in his trash bag suit. He took us through campus and across town where there was nothing but trees. We ran up a hill to a basketball court all lit up like it was daytime. Cal dunked on the basket screaming like a wild man. I dont even know where the ball come from. We balled until the lights clicked off at eleven. Then we ran back down to the dorms. We gonna do it again tomorrow. #1 Bobby
* Friday June 11 Coach We did drills all day today only this time nobody complained. Everybody respect Coach Jerry now. I think he know we played last night. Keisha asked me if I wanted to go bowling and I had to tell her no. I told her she gonna get in trouble messing with jailbait like me. She said I aint old enough to be jailbait. She cracks me up Coach. I aint talked to Deke in days. Who needs that old buster anyway? Bobby
* Sat. June 12 Coach This morning Keisha wasnt at the gym and I couldnt do my drills right. I kept bouncing the ball off my foot like a knucklehead. I looked for her but I couldnt find her nowhere. I went to the office she sit sometimes but it was closed up and the door was locked. I crawled through the transom to see if I could find her phone number. Keisha Begay. It was right there on a list. Coach Jerry kept us late but gave us Sunday off. I called Keisha a couple times after practice but she wasnt home. I went to one of the big dorms and told the girl at the desk I was lost and forgot where I was staying at. I gave her Keishas number and she typed it into a computer. She gave me Keishas dorm name and room number. I went over there after supper but she wasnt there. Now its night and I cant sleep. I can hear the train rumbling as it comes through town. It makes me sad. I dont know why. Tell Ms. Goby that I dont miss Group no more. Between you and me Coach I think Im better off without it. I know I got to follow the rules down there so I wont say another word. Bobby
* Monday June 14 Coach Well I done did it this time Coach. Keisha came over early Sunday morning. Deke woke up hollering Who that? Who that? Keisha asked me if I wanted to go home with her. Deke was cussing so I grabbed my gear and went out the door. We crossed the tracks where that old train cuts through town. Keisha said you have to lift your legs up when you going over tracks or you get bad luck. I lifted them but it was too late. I didnt let it bother me. Seems like I only got one kind of luck anyway. Sure is peaceful country Coach. You look out the window and it takes about forever to soak it all in. Keisha live in Tuba City. I could tell her peoples were a lot like you and me and Deke. It made me like Keisha even more because she let me see her place and didnt get all embarrassed the way Deke do since I starting living with Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. Keisha took me to meet her parents and her brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins. I asked her if they was having a reunion or something and she laughed and said they get together every Sunday. Keishas family crazy about basketball Coach. All her brothers are ballers and some of her sisters too. Keisha took me for a walk and we sat down at this place far out on the mesa and watched the sun go down. I liked the way the light caught in her glasses. Looking over at her seeing the sky going by in her eyes. I dont know what got into me Coach but I decided it was time Keisha know some things about me. I told her about Mr. and Mrs. Anderson not being my real parents and all. I told her about Ms. Goby and the struggles I had. I told her about my Moms and my Pop. I told her I really liked being with her because it made me wish Ms. Goby could see us and be happy and not have to think about what my Pop did to my Moms. She didnt say nothing about that. So I kept talking and explained how Pop got let out of the hospital too soon and put the gun on my Moms and then he did the same to himself. Keisha just stayed real quiet and I got nervous and started talking about anything I could think of. I told her about Deke and me being friends only now he was dogging me but it dont really bother me none because of what I been through so its okay if she dont want to like me or go away or get killed because I can handle it. Keisha didnt say nothing because I guess I already said too much. After a while we went back to the house and Keishas brothers were coming out. They told me to come with them. We got in the car and drove them long dippy roads for a while and I kept getting more and more nervous. Finally we come up on the school where they all go and everyone was out on the courts balling. I was so relieved Coach. I played with them boys all night. They were good too. Real fast and running all the time. After a while Keishas brother Kyle called me over to the car and handed me a bottle of wine. We passed the bottle around some and when it was gone Kyle unscrewed another. We tried to play some more but it wasnt the same. It was getting late so we got in the car and drove back to Keishas place. Kyle stuck his head out the window and hollered like a fool. I guess you know what happened next. We got pulled over by the Navaho police. They put me and Keishas brothers in the squad car and took us to the station. I gave them your phone number down in Phoenix. When they came back they took away my shoelaces and belt and they was extra nice. I hope you aint gonna tell Ms. Goby about all this Coach. Coach Jerry came and got me but to be honest I dont remember much. I fell asleep in the car and when I woke up we was back in Flagstaff. He dropped me off and I got out of the car and didnt say nothing and he didnt say nothing neither. I felt sick all day so I didnt go to practice or nothing. I feel real bad about the trouble I caused Coach Jerry. Im gonna make it up to him and Keisha and you too Coach. Youll see. Your friend Bobby
* Tuesday June 15 Dear Coach Keishas gone. She wasnt at the gym this morning. I went to the office and they told me she quit school and went home. I called her room and her roommate told me the same thing. Everything different now Coach. People kind of look at me funny and if I catch them looking they look away real quick. I think Deke been telling stories on me. I think he been telling people how come I live with a white family that aint got the same last name as me. Even that crazy buster Cal wont look at me. I sure do wish I could talk to someone but there aint no one but Keisha and that big old train. There it goes again. #11 PS Do you think Pop can see me? Sometimes I think I can feel him watching me but I know thats just foolishness talking. He never even seen me play. I dont even know if he liked basketball.
* Wed. June 16 Dear Coach Its hard to believe the tournaments tomorrow. Every time somebody ask Coach Jerry about the tournament he tells them not to think about it since its gonna take about ten seconds before we lose and then he can finally go get some drinking done. After practice Coach Jerry called me into his office to talk. I thought we was gonna talk about Keisha but he just wanted to talk basketball. He asked me if I had been running the team. I told him Cal been pretty much the leader. Coach Jerry just shook his head. He said Im his point guard. The brains of the offense. I laughed at that. I told him I wasnt the brains of jack shit. I asked Coach Jerry if he made up them Drunken Sailor Drills. Coach Jerry opened up a drawer and showed me the book you got me only older and more raggedy. He said he mixed up a bunch of drills. I guessed which ones and he told me I was right. Thats why Im sending the book back to you Coach. I dont need it no more. We went up to the court on the hill after practice and played the best ball we ever played. You can see the sunset from up there and the way it lit up the clouds over the mountain made me think of Keisha sitting on her mesa watching the sun going down. I put all that junk out of my mind and concentrated on putting that old ball in the basket. #11
* Thursday June 17 Coach Well today was the first day of the tournament and we aint come close to losing yet. Cal is a monster on the court plain and simple. There just aint nobody that can stop him. We beat the first team by 15. The second by 22. And the last by 37 points! Coach Jerry dont run no plays. He just watch what the other team doing and call out the defense. Coach Jerry got us trapping and double teaming and we get a lot of points off turnovers. When the other team start to get tired Coach Jerry opens us up and we just run them into the ground. Cal said more people gonna be at our games tomorrow than all the B Teams put together. Coach Jerry told him to shut up. He a trip. I never met a coach who didnt like to win. After the game Coach Jerry was all over Cal. He told Cal he was gonna bench him if he didnt stop hotdogging. Everybody know Coach Jerry crazy enough to do it. Deke doing good too in case you was wondering. #11
* Friday June 18 Coach Well we done done it again. Four more games and we still alive. It wasnt nearly so easy and we had us some close games. We got the B Team championship tomorrow and if we win we get to play the C League Champions. We took the first team by 25. Cal threw down a tomahawk dunk near the end of the game. Coach Jerry pitched a fit and got a technical. When he calmed down he benched Cal and even though it was only for a couple seconds I knew we was in for a mess. Next game Coach Jerry hardly played Cal at all and it was neck and neck all the way. We were down by one with ten seconds to go and Coach Jerry wouldnt call a time out or nothing. I ran a high pick and roll only the center set the screen early and his man broke through the pick. I drew the defense and caught a man all alone under the basket. He made the shot as time ran out. Walking back to the bench with Coach Jerry scowling on one end and Cal scowling on the other you would of thought we lost the game. I dont know. Maybe it would of been better if we did. #11
* Sunday night Dear Coach Im not going to tell you how we did till Im done. Dont really see how it makes much difference anyway. Last night I couldnt sleep. I went out and walked around campus for a while. I walked over to Keishas dorm hoping to see a light on in her window but there was no light and I kept walking. It was a clear night and the sky was filled with stars. I left campus and walked downtown. When I came to the tracks I could hear voices and laughing and bottles clinking together in the dark. I walked down to a platform along the tracks. Deke and his boys were sitting there drinking beer and talking about the championship. Somebody spray painted POOP DECK on the wall. I went up and took the bottle out of his hand before Deke could see who it was. Deke laughed and called me his old stray dog. Deke was tight and had to go and ask where Keisha was at only he didnt say Keisha he said that skinny little four eyed bitch. I took a swing at Deke with the bottle. He ducked and I took another swing only this time I got part of his shoulder. Deke stepped back and fell off the platform just as a big old train was coming around the bend. Deke was down in a little gravel gulley grabbing his ankle like it was broke. I jumped down there with him where the wind off that train was so big and loud I thought it was gonna suck us in. Deke was hollering and holding his ankle. I grabbed him and held him tight until the train passed. Only Deke wasnt yelling anymore he was laughing and calling me a crazy fool. His boys looked down over the side and they started laughing too. Deke got up and his ankle wasnt broke at all. Deke said he hope we lose because he didnt want to have to whup a team full of crazy mother fuckers. I told him to shut up but he kept on about how they put all the fucked up peoples on the same team so they couldnt infect the rest of the camp with their craziness. I thought about that for a long time. I guess you know all this already but you might as well hear it from me. This morning Jerry was specially nervous. I dont think he slept a wink. We might of been nervous but we came ready to play. I never played in front of so many people Coach. Not even in my dreams. We gave those boys a game from start to finish. Cal didnt come out of the game once. We won by 22. After the game, Coach Jerry wouldnt let us watch the C League championships. He said it would only make us feel like we didnt belong out on the floor with them when it came time to play later. Dekes team won. They gave us an hour to get ready. It seem funny how you can spend your whole life getting ready for something and then suddenly its time. It was weird being on the floor with Deke and not being on his team. Cal or no Cal those boys schooled us something good. Deke was unstoppable. Cal couldnt do nothing with him. They made us look like a bunch of busters. At half time Coach Jerry said it was nice of us to wait until half the city was watching before we humiliated him. He said if we wanted to punk out now and leave through the locker room exit that was fine with him. In the huddle I said I got Deke. Everybody got quiet. Cal looked at Coach Jerry and Coach Jerry looked at me. When Deke saw me shadowing him he put on a big smile. Straight away Deke tried to post me up but I know Deke better than he does. I forced him outside and beat him to his spot and popped the ball loose when he tried to double clutch. Cal released and I caught him on the fast break and Cal did his imitation of a runaway train. I kept dropping the hammer on Deke and disrupting his game and we was back in it before long. We got the lead back at the start of the fourth quarter but those boys were too good to just roll over. With less than a minute to go we was down by three again. They put on the full court pressure but I split the defenders and put the ball in for an easy layup. Down by one with 30 seconds to go they spread the floor to play keep away and run out the clock. I thought about what was coming if we lost the game. Losing aint so bad because it stays with you longer than a win. I know you hate to lose Coach but losing can help you take your mind off your troubles like wondering if I was ever gonna see Keisha again or if my Moms and Pop are together in heaven or if they in different places. With 10 seconds to go I telegraphed Dekes pass and cold stole it away from him. I flew down the middle of the lane and flipped that old ball up to the basket. Wouldnt you know I got a lucky bounce and it went in. Thats how we won. Cal and the boys jumped all over me. They was all geeked up and barking like a bunch of dogs. The crowd hollered and all them C Teamers looked up at the clock or down at their shoes or anywhere just so long as they didnt have to look at me. Coach Jerry shook my hand and told me this is it. This is what its all about. Win or lose I think Coach Jerry was gonna go out get drunk. I looked for Deke but he was gone. Its night now. The game been over for hours but I can still hear them knuckleheads cheering down the hall. I got all my gear put away. Tell Ms. Goby and Mr. and Mrs. Anderson and Kinney and Mr. Herlihy and them I said goodbye. If it makes them feel better just tell them Bobby Jones couldnt of been all bad for God to send such good people to look after him. Im gonna stick this in the envelope now and put an extra stamp on it so it gets to you real fast. There goes that lonely old train again. Sometimes I wonder if other people can hear it too but mostly I think it only blows for me. Bobby Jones
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